| Cleaning Crew. |
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| 01:50am 25/12/2005 |
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It's almost staggering how much porn I have in my email account. I'm deleting much of it. It's a very cleansing and cathartic experience to realize all those little electronic photos do not matter to me.
I used to be a huge porn addict and would spend hours hunting down the finest amateur pics. Now I don't care. Porn is not something I really need or want. Art is important. Friends and relationship are even more important.
I wish I had a warm body next to me tonight. Not just for sex(though that would be nice) but just to have someone next to me. I love that warmth, that smooth curve of the body pressed close. Listening to them breathing... |
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| So many opportunities. |
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| 03:49pm 18/12/2005 |
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My girlfriend may be getting me a threesome for Xmas. I don't think she is serious, but it might be fun.
I have this strange problem. I seem to lose interest in a girl when we start dating. Not that I don't want to be with the girl, just that sex seems less fun.
I don't know how sex stops being fun, it really doesn't. I am just always turned on more by a new person, someone I don't know, somthing new and more exciting. I believe that being so kinky has fucked up my sex life. Knowing and wanting all the hot and kinky things that a person can do, and wanting to do them has made it hard for regular sex to be fun. At the same time, I know once I do some of the hottest and kinkiest things I want to do will leave me numb to regular sex.
I should just be happy with I've got and stop trying for a strong and stronger sexual fix. |
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| The Church of St Bastard. |
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| 10:10pm 12/12/2005 |
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Well so far I haven't fucked any of my patients. Score one for me, for NOT scoring. There was such a sweet 18 year old high school girl I had to treat too... The temptation was very powerful, but I'm a bastard not an idiot.
I have not written for so long, because I had no reason to write. I think watching lots of good porn the other night has awoken my inner Henry the 8th. I haven't nailed my roommate, which is a good things since I have a girlfriend.
She and I get along great, plus we both want to bring other people into bed. She doesn't mind the idea of a having another girl, or another guy. She likes the idea of being double penetrated or eating pussy with me. So we can have all kinds of fun. :)
But damn her sisters are hot. She has two. One old enough to be legal, one not. I should feel bad about fantasizing about either one both of them, since both are my gf's sister, but I only feel bad about the jailbait one (17 years old). I know I have no chance, and even if it was offered to me I would HAVE to turn it down, but every now and again I catch her sister staring at me. Kind of like she was trying to picture me naked. Very hot.
So I'm thinking dirty thoughts, but being a complete gentleman.
I think I'll start writing here again in earnest. I miss the fellow deviant I have listed as friends, even if there are just a few. They are GOOD few.
Maybe I'll invite you all to our New Years Eve Orgy. |
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| Everything has changed. |
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| 01:26am 02/10/2005 |
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I now live in Minneapolis. I have a good job that I enjoy doing, and I seem to do well at it.
I'm looking for places to live that won't cost me an arm and a leg, and I've found some good places. I'm meeting and making some new friends. It feels great.
I finally have some money to spend. Not tons, but enough to keep me going without having to worry about everything all the time.
I haven't been able to sleep with a girl in my arms for some time. I did the other day, and I never work up once.
I think I'm finally getting close to where I want to be. |
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| dirty thoughts |
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| 01:22am 01/09/2005 |
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Overhead while in college
Shelly, while speaking to a punk girl(Nancy) about to go on a job interview "Nancy you look really nice."
Nancy "You should see what I look like with a dick in my mouth."
Nancy and Shelly didn't talk much after that.
But Nancy did have a point, and I was reminded of while skimming through some porn tonight. And that point is this: Is there anything more arousing and delightful to look at than a happy and enthusiastic cocksucker busy at their work?
I don't think so.
Maybe a vigorous and energetic rugmuncher when you ask a lesbian, but it's still the same line of thiking.
"As long as I'm being a complete pig up here, guys let me ask you something... Can you ever watch a woman eating a bannana and NOT think of a blow job?" - George 'I'm a sick evil fuck and I admit it!' Carlin. |
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| wiped out |
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| 09:46pm 31/08/2005 |
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Man, I don't know if New Orleans will be able to recover from this. The city that was always a party is now almost washed away from the face of the earth.
Human beings think we could destroy the planet. Bullshit. Long after the human race has been wiped out from our own stupidity, mother nature will still be continuing her cycles of creation and destruction. It won't know or care that we are gone. Until that time comes though, I will give every way that I can to help the people in New Orleans, Mississippi, and all points south that were bent over with lube by Hurricane Katrina. Somehow I think that name will plummet in popularity for a few years.
And birth rate in the states in Katrinas path should go through the roof in the next 9-10 months. Nothing like a tragedy, despair, a shortage of access to birth control, and being isolated to make people think "Fuck it! Unprotected or not I need to be fucked right now or I'm going to go out of my mind with anguish."
I'm still so near the brink of success but not there yet. So close, so very damn close. I wish I had a cell phone and that I was living with my friend Shelly in the Twin Cities. That would make this process a whole lot fucking easier. Hell just owning a cell phone would make things better and easier right now. Communication.
I was going to write about about sex, specifically anal sex in this rant. But it just doesn't seem right with a crisis going on. Maybe next time. |
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| This is getting out of hand. |
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| 09:35pm 22/08/2005 |
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Wow. I don't even know what to say here anymore. It could be the latest wave of depression, or the feeling of being worthless, but I can't even think of anything sexual to write here. Other than I miss having it.
I have lost touch with so many people, including the ones who once read this journal, who I would see if I were lucky in the Twin Cities, who I would email messages back and forth for days, who I found fascinating and would love to meet maybe just once. Maybe just once more.
It's odd. I feel like my mind is so blocked off with trying to find a job, and facing how screwed I will be if it doesn't happen very very soon. I feel like I'm losing that ability I found to make and keep friends. It's just hard for me to connect with people. I spend so little time with anyone, because I don't know how.
I have another journal, and I write more in that one. I think I'll just shut this one down, post a link, and let people decide.
I'm not the person I was when I started all this, but I'm certainly not the person I want to be yet either.
Hey Jack, nice photos. :) |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| A breath of fresh air. |
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| 10:31pm 07/07/2005 |
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I'm pondering why a porno called "Bald Beaver Banging" featured mainly a lot of anal sex? Yes, everyone who was female, and most of the men had shaved their genitals. But hairless woodland, semi aquatic creatures, who eat wood, cut down trees, and build dams.... NOT A ONE! Talk about blatant false advertising!
I'm considering ending this journal. I have another, and I'll invite the people I know, love, care about, stalk relentlessly to come over and keep up with my life that way.
I don't know why, but I just don't feel the mood of this journal calling me anymore. Not so much ranting, sex talk, bragging, questioning, and the usual deviance is on the back burner at the moment.
It may be because I'm in a happy long distance relationship with Ashley. It may be because I can find a release in my artwork these days. I have great new shots I want to share, but since they are already in my primary online album, it just gets tricky maintain two journals.
I'll make up my mind in a few days if I should just pick up my LJ friends and more to another neighborhood.
In the mean time, I'm waiting for news. Good or bad, I'm waiting for it.
I'm planning a trip to Minneapolis within the next 2 weeks, and I plan to move there within the next two months, even if I DON'T pass my exam. I have to get a start somewhere new, some time soon. |
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| WWWWAAAAAAYYYYY TO LONG! |
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| 04:18am 30/06/2005 |
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I have not been faithful to this journal. I suppose I used this a my little vent for rage and hormones for long enough. I felt guilty about not posting here, and now I almost feel guilty if I have anything worth posting here.
But the fact is I miss knowing about the lives of people on this journal.
Ina.
Kim.
Diane.
I have no clue where anyone is or how anyone is. I should not be trying to reconnect to this electronic world right now. I should be studying and focusing all my energy. But it's 4:30 AM and I am still awake enough to type, so I'll do it here.
I'm back, and I am still a very bad bad man. |
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| 04:47pm 23/04/2005 |
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I saw the eyes of a psychopath today. They are very easy to recognize, I've seen them in the mirror many many times.
I've been reading Neil Gaiman a lot. More than I should. The way he sees the world is amazing.
I'm not sure if the man in the chair downstairs is dead, asleep, or neither. He looked as though he was frozen, just as he attempted to write down something very important on a shred of scrap paper with the stub of an eraser less pencil. Maybe he found the secret of the universe at the last moment, but wasn't permitted to share with anyone else.
Moments of happy creation of beauty have been delayed. Not canceled just delayed. I'm certain this will go well. She is a professional after all, and a very nice person besides. I look forward to meeting her.
Speeding limits might exist for fuel efficiency, and safety. I'll be the money from speeding tickets sure make nice mansions for the higher ups in government though. |
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| I really hate being right sometimes. |
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| 12:59am 19/04/2005 |
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I am so filled with hatred, bitterness, jealous, rage, and disappointment that I barely recognize myself. My friend Lynn has once again lived up to my very low expectations of her. It fucking amazes me how she can develop more love, loyalty, caring, concern, and dedication to someone she has known less than 10 days than she has for a friend/lover of over 7 years.
I must be a masochist at heart. No one else would put up with this much trouble and pain from one person that they care about, unless deep down I secretly like it.
Lynn can't say no. I just know someday I'll stop caring and tell her I think she acts like a slut. "I can't walk down the street without running into 9 guys you fucked!"
I respect a healthy libido.
I respect being in touch with ones own sexuality.
I respect freedom of choice and freedom from judgment.
But I also require a person makes good choices.
I respect some fucking self restraint, and I mean that both ways. Lynn fucks guys she barely knows, then wonders what went wrong in the 'relationship'.
Christ on a cracker. Less than 2 weeks ago I fucked her in the ass and got her off. (Yeah, I cheated on Ashley, I'm cheating bastard and I know it. I've already felt enough guilt.) But it's not enough for her.
She doesn't think. God damn her, she just doesn't think. |
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| Cravings. |
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| 08:23pm 17/04/2005 |
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It's pretty bad when my fantasy sex life and masturbating is more satisfying that actually having sex. It's not just the acts I dream of doing, its the people I dream of.
I don't CRAVE and LUST for Ashley. She's a great friend, and very eager to fuck, but the energy, the draw, the desire for her is just not there.
It's driving me crazy. To have people in my head that I want to be with, could be with, but I can't. It's terrible to have someone stuck in my head, and not be able to think about the person I'm with in the same way. To feel the same things for them. I wish I felt that way, but I don't. |
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| Envy. |
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| 11:31pm 14/04/2005 |
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"You know that line that defines where being a naughty girl who really like sex ends, and being a slut begins?"
"Am I coming up on it really quickly?"
"Oh no no no, look behind you..."
Most women can get laid any time they want. If they're not too picky, or they convince themselves that it's okay to fuck a guy they just barely know because "they can see themselves with them for a long time, maybe forever. HE could be the one!" Somehow the inner logic of "this guy just wants a piece of ass" seems to enter the amnesia center of their brains.
Not all girls, I don't like to generalize that broadly. Just one girl in particular right now. The one who is probably sucking the dick of a guy she's know less than a week, but one she is willing to make a deep emotional commitment to after she's known him all of 4-6 days, and he's banged her a few times.
Knowing her, and how willing she is to please, there is very little she won't let this guy do to her. No matter how unsafe, no matter how risky, no matter how bad for her physical and emotional health it may be. And it just fucking kills me how she does this to herself every time. I care about her so much, and I always have to witness this crash and burn over and over again. Sure, I'm there for support and sympathy sex, but she's not going to look at me as 'the one' ever again. I'm just the fall guy, the back up guy.
Damn, now I'm envious, pissed off, and depressed. I need something funny to cheer me up.
This will do.
*For those who can't read the too small print, it says:
THINK ANAL SEX HURTS? TRY HAVING A KID.
When you absolutely have to have sex and there is no contraception around, just take it in the ass.
It may not be the most comfortable thing in the world, but it will hurt a whole lot less than squeezing a newborn out of you crotch nine month later.
There, ALL BETTER NOW! |
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| Robert Duvall. |
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| 12:15am 12/04/2005 |
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I love the smell of ink jet printers in the afternoon. The wind was gusting with a lot of force all day, and then the rain came. Since walking outside and running were not an option, I kept my ass in a rolling chair all afternoon. I had 96 or so picture from my last shoots. 12 of them were printed off for my portfolio. I'm very happy and satisfied with todays work.
Someone looked at my work once and said "You have very few guys in the photos, and you try to make all the girls look lesbians." That's not entirely true. I do wish I found more men I thought would be good in front of the camera. Most guys I know though, just don't spark any imagination in me. That and a lot of macho ego bullshit gets in the way. Homophobia too.
I like working with two women at once, even though the stress level always goes up. And it's not easy to pose two naked women together without someone thinking (or wishing) that they are lesbians. Nudity and sex are two very different things in my mind. But then my mind is not the usual place.
I've been thinking about someone too much today. I hate it when someone gets stuck in my head. I really REALLY hate it when I start thinking negative about a person that I like. It usually comes from being let down, betrayed, or just being forgotten about. Some friends I wonder why I have. Then I remember why, and I still wonder if I should keep them as frineds. |
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| So much. |
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| 03:54pm 10/04/2005 |
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So much is going on. I have to sort things out with work, money, and finding a place to live. I FOUND a great place, but it's most likely gone by now. If I had a job like I hoped to by now, I would have had the money to simply get the place without a second thought.
As it is, I need to pass my exam the 2nd of May. I WILL pass this time, I'm certain.
With any luck I'll have a job a week or two after that, then it's all about finding a place that was a nice as the 2 bedroom I found at a one bedroom price.
Ashley stayed with me for the weekend. It was nice. This morning was my favorite, hot and well lubed anal sex. I think she's liking it more and more. It sure gets her hot I know that much. She and I went exploring some very fun places to do a lot of nude photography. There is just one small problem. I don't find Ashley to be the most photogenic or appealing model. She just doesn't fit into the places I want to do photo shoots. I need to have her in an entirely different context if I was going to do shoot with her.
Still, at least our sex life is getting better.
I sure I hope I get things in order before June 6th. I have to go to Missouri, and I don't want to do it unemployed and homeless. |
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| Joys. |
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| 11:12pm 27/03/2005 |
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There in nothing quite like shoving an unprotected cock into a girls ass and hearing her say how much she loves it.
Ashley and I improving our sex life in leaps and bounds. For one she's having a lot easier time getting off, which was one reason I was not too into the idea of fucking her. Nothing makes me feel guiltier than getting off and leaving my partner longing. It's makes me feel so much better, when I make HER feel so much better. Ashley is also on birth control now, so no more worries about accidental pregnancy. Yeah for Anti Baby Making Devices!
There is very little I can't tell Ashley. But her sexual style is still a little boring to me. She is so calm, and passive. She loves sex, but her enthusiasm for it is liaise fare. She's too laid back. Her passion never gets above slow burn.
I want someone with more fire. Ashley has the desire, and the craving, but lust and primitive howling to the moon for the sheer joy of it sex are still a long way off.
I'm sure we'll get there though.
It's almost April 1st. I wanted to be employed and living in Minneapolis by now. Another month to wait. Starting tomorrow and all of April is looking for a place to live I can afford and WANT to live at, and studying to take my PT test again. |
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| Intimate desire. |
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| 01:23am 17/03/2005 |
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I love Ashley. But I feel like something is missing, and I don't know how to describe it to her. I want to, but I don't want to make her feel like I want her to change. I don't want to force her into a mold, or a pattern or a shape.
I don't she is in touch with her sexual identity. We just fell into this relationship, and then took it to full speed. It's a big change, and a lot of big steps for her all at once. It must be very hard for her sometimes. She must get intimidated by my past, my experience, my certainess in my sexual style and practices. At least I think she might. I usually let myself fall into whatever the other person would like, and add a lot of my own desires as well. With her, it's a blank slate. Ashley wants to try things, but I just don't want to fuck it up. I don't want it to be a bad feeling, something she wanted and then not enjoy it.
I wish I knew her inside and out better. We spend so much time together, talk so much, that we know a lot about each other. But sexually, there is so much about her that is just beginning to develop.
It's very hard to satisfy her, and when she doesn't get off, I feel bad.
I know she loves me, I know there is hardly a thing she wouldn't do for me. I don't take that for granted, but I don't feel like Ashley longs for me. Sex almost feels mechanical, arranged, scheduled. I don't feel like Ashley has passion for me, or that she expresses it in a way that makes me feel wanted. I want her, to want me.
It has improved, but now sex sometimes feels like work, arranged ahead of time. It's something expected, but not enjoyed as spontaneous wild lust and passion. It feels like it's grown old quickly and it has only been 4 months.
But god do I love her...Ashley is so wonderful and so good for me. She brings me down when I'm wound so tight I can barely hold myself together at the edges. She's the person who mellows me.
I want to have someone tell me, YES. To say they find me desirable, to say they want to be fucked hard by me. No thought, no expectations, no pressure, no fear of not making each other happy. Just unleashed desire for everything all at once. TO FEEL PASSION ABOUT SOMEONE, WITH SOMEONE AGAIN! A lack of familiarity and routine. Even if I didn't fuck that person, just knowing that THEY wanted that too and they wanted it with ME!!!
That sounds terribly childish, greedy, self centered and arrogant. I don't care, I just want to feel that desire from someone again. If I had that, just for a moment, from anyone, I would go and fuck Ashley's brains out all night.
I used to hate having someone say: They would be with me , BUT... *list a million reasons here _________
Now all I want is the first part of that. Whatever the reason they say no, or even if they said YES, I would still be with Ashley instead.
I'll just have to show her this. I hope she understands.
I don't like my new Icon. Anyone know where it came from/comes from? |
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| Just because. |
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| 06:15pm 15/03/2005 |
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I've come to a conclusion. I really don't think I want anyone but Ashley. I think I just want to know that someone else might want. Someone else would find me attractive. I think I just crave attention, even if I didn't go to bed with someone, it would be nice to be desirable. |
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| Everything is coming up Milhouse. |
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| 02:23am 14/03/2005 |
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Just once, just one fucking time I would like something plan for, work hard at, and put a lot of effort into to go my way.
It seems lately everything I work at is broken. Everything I touch turns to shit. Everything I try is a failure.
This isn't a pity party. This is the way things keep going, and keep ending up. |
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aspiringsinner's journal